My autumn leaves come in four.
They float down around me, around my life and captivate me. They sing a little lullaby while they turn and turn. I try to catch them as I watch them dance swiftly in the blowing wind.
I remember my first autumn leaf. I had never seen one before. It fell down on me and everything changed. Oh how beautifully it smelled, oh how sweet. It got engraved in my soul so deep. It was unique and simple. Pure and perfect. If I close my eyes, I can remember. I can almost feel how safe I felt in the unfamiliar, the unknown. I let go and fell with my leaf.
But people are arrogant. They are selfish and gluttonous . My brain was tickled by all the leaves out there floating in the air, and I couldn’t have enough. I needed to see all the shades of green, all the various leaves fall from all the trees. Sip them through my fingers and breathe them in.
Then came the dream.
I had to prove to it that life is not all about instinct and desires. I had to show that leaf that there is so much more to look forward to than the deadly winter.
Winter came, and winter left. And I cradled my leaf, so fragile, so scared it would shatter from the cold. But try as I may, leaves are not supposed to outlive seasons and weathers.
They dry up and shatter in a dusty powder.
Overwhelmed with grief over my long lost yellow leaf, I walked through the trees. I dragged my legs one little step at a time, staring at the sky in all its colors, waiting.
That’s when it happened. I felt all the energy float into me, possess my body and revitalize it. I felt my veins pumping my blood and my heart beating fiercely. And I saw it. I saw that little brown leaf take me by the hand and walk me through the little rocky path. It showed me the way towards a little hill. Towards a little hut where everything was better somehow.
My leaf took care of me and nurtured me. It gave me tea and melody. It gave me my morning suns.
As it gave me life, I drained it. I sucked out all of its energy and force. I damaged my leaf, I broke it, I shattered it and dusted it off and I broke my own heart along the way.
I never meant to hurt it, I never meant to throw away the most amazing of them all. I just smashed it.
Just when I thought I had been given all the chances I deserved, I turned to my right and I ran. I ran so fast through the empty street. On the coldest night of them all, I ran. And I caught it before it touched the ground. With scratched elbows and bleeding knees I stood up tall, loving every bit of my leaf. It was all kinds of colors, all kinds of shades. That one was different. I could see right through it, see all its pain from the fall and I knew that all I wanted to do from now on, is bring it back to life. Brush life on its thorns. Sing it to sleep and walk it under the moonlight.
I owed it to my leaf.
I owed it to my leaves.
What I never knew, what I never noticed, was how these leaves were all driven by the wind. They floated wherever the wind blew. They tagged along searching for more, wanting more. Always more.
They never asked, they never looked back.
One night I looked to my left, and my leaf was gone. All I had left of it was a little drawing on my shelf.
And I wonder if you think about the stars and the birds…
Ed Sheeran – Autumn leaves
Bon Iver – Skinny love
Strays don’t sleep – For blue skies
Lena Chamamyan – Cha’am