Stray hearts°

You look at me with kind eyes that stretch into the horizon, and whisper words made from the melody of your heartbeats. You look at me with feelings that flow, pouring flowers from your lips and onto mine. You stay. And I push. And you stay. And I can’t breathe. Because I look at you with the sorrow of the words you’ll never mean. I look at you with blame for all the pain you will impose on my survival. I see you on my sheets, staining them with your scent that will curl up under my spine and unearth my lungs.

I look like a fresh Lilly with dew on my petals, waking up on a Sunday morning, with life sprouting in my veins. I seem like a drowsy drizzle on the edge of your window, pulling you from your soft slumber to come play under the willow tree.

But fundamentally and down to the core, I am a drenched log, expanding from all the humidity that has caused my heart to weigh me down. I am a leap of faith that has seized to comprehend distance and dimensions. I am a sentence of jumbled up words allocating letters to the sounds they don’t belong to.

Love, I trust your eyes, your lashes clutching to them like they’re what make you thrive.

Love, I believe in the air that blows through your ribs, bringing you closer together.

I just don’t trust the time that it took for you to fall, the same time it will take you to put on your coat and walk away.

Advertisements

Contemporary art°

So smoke the flowers in my head into oblivion, desperately trying to turn memories into stories of pure fantasy. Tell me one more time that my bones grew thorns into your delicate skin. Draw on my back the scars of your heartbreak. Shed tears into my palms so I can turn them into a trophy and place it behind bars on a pedestal of sorts.

Darling, drain it all. Stain the sheets of our wilted petals. Fall apart on the pavement where we first realized it was all breaking into a million pieces.
And then dance.
Dance like the world owes you a lover. Dance like our love owes you empowerment. Move like your soul is made of mesmerizing ondulations.
Is that what you’re looking for?
A voice that resonates into your spine to convince you that you are ok. You are ok. You are ok.

Fly away*

If you must, fly away, fly away before you take me down with you. If you can’t help but drown with me, then spread your wings and let go, let go and you’ll see, you’ll be able to fly away.

This bubble is so fragile that my breath is bruising it, it’s disfiguring the rainbows and the day and the light. And I’m tired of holding my breath scared that it would burst. Tired of pretending that tomorrow morning, things will be alright again and that you’ll fly back in my arms.

The stars aligned for you, they bowed and cheered for you, they sprinkled silver moon dust on you. The galaxies smiled for you, the turned and colored for you, they sang you a lullaby. And the sky it stares at your picture perfect frame.

I know better than to take you away from that, I know better than to hold you back and hold on to you. I’m not strong enough for this. You can’t see how I’m shaking and my heart is racing hiding from you.

There are so many layers of clothes I wear so that you don’t see the scars on my skin, so that you don’t see my veins bleeding.

Fly, if you must, fly far far away. But don’t let me see you rise; don’t let me see you sore high in the sun; don’t let me see you be happy without me, because knowing I took it away hurts me more than you leaving.

Rising above my own pettiness.

The hardest part of letting go of a grudge you’ve held on for so long, is realizing that you’ve been nesting it. When you stop giving yourself excuses and alibis for acting the way you do, for wasting so much energy on something, someone, that’s when the magic happens… and often, you just need someone to shake you and to simply ask you to “Snap out of it”

You see, there are fleeting moments in, life, beautiful moments that, to the wandering eye, may seem meaningless, but which in fact hold so much preciousness: sharing a glass of wine on the balcony or catching up with an old friend or even simply welcoming someone through the door… it’s such a waste to have little moments throughout your day tainted by so much anger.

Anger… what a feeling… it can drive the best of us to our own destruction, or motivate us and fuel our being and actions.
Either way, once anger settles, it becomes an inner monster leeching on your soul. When you let it out, shout, scream, break a couple of dishes, fall into sobs or simply paint it off; it slowly dissipates and filters out of your system. However, and this is when it becomes dangerous, when you let anger and frustration marinate within you and repress it, it eats your soul out, disfigures your heart, pops your veins, controls you movement. It becomes this black monster just waiting to destroy everything in its path…

It’s such a terrible thing when you let it get the best of you. Moreover, unless you snap this tight thread by its core, it will always keep resurfacing.

Grudges can last for so long. Sadly they linger especially between close ones, for when you feel such terrible emotions towards someone so dear and near, how do you find the courage- no the hearts- to tell them? To face them? How do you storm out on a beloved? When you’re feeling so hurt and betrayed, how do you share it? Do you show your wounds to those who hurt you the most?
And isn’t it a bit sad when those who supposedly love you the most, those who are the closest to you hurt you? Then again, it’s these people in fact and these only who have that power.

I guess it all balances out depending on how much you care and how indispensable this person is. Sacrifices must be made in all kinds of relationships. Question is, are they worth it?

Utterly Naked.

Yesterday, the most amazing thing happened to me, in the most unusual unamazing way: my heart was broken.

I am letting it all out for one reason and one reason only: as part of my self healing process.

I’ve been waiting for this to happen for quite some time now. As if I’m skating on thin ice. I saw the little crack in the middle of the pond and completely disregarded it. As the crack stretched out to get me, I would just stare at it, waiting for it to collapse and drag me into the icy cold water.

And it did. Nothing felt more revealing than the moment I froze and broke.

I learned two things that night.

On one hand, although I seek to be in a relationship all the time, it’s not to compensate and avoid loneliness. No.
I love relationships and what they bring of duality and compromise. Moreover, I love my partner to be utterly trusting. I’m not some bird in a cage waiting to be fed, some wounded dog waiting to be healed, some wild horse waiting to be tamed. I’m not in a relationship to have this someone carry around my baggage, thank you very much.
I want to be in a relationship to share my days, my frustrations, my excitement, my disappointment, my success, my anger, my serenity… I’m not looking for someone to lock me up in a tower of rules and jealousy. Someone to not give me respect or trust.
How can a relationship work without trust? There’s no way that could happen! What would be your pillars? With the constant doubting and questioning, how can one love actually? How can you say you’re in love with someone, all the while not trusting a word that comes out of there mouth? What is it that you love exactly, since you want to mold and shape them otherwise? How can you propose to someone knowing there’s no trust? You think that owning someone, holding them hostage, would build trust?
You can’t replace that crack in the foundation, can’t mask it, fake it or even pretend to have it. You can’t have anything ever in your life if you don’t learn how to trust people.

On the other hand, I learned that there’s a certain extent to which you can’t drag a mistake. You can’t be oblivious forever. No matter how much you try to avoid what’s missing, it always seems to catch on to you and grasp you by the ankle. When there’s a problem, shaky grounds, you must deal with it instantly because if you can break a snow ball at its peak, then go ahead and do it, it’s less disastrous. But once the snow ball falls down into the valley, getting bigger and bigger as it’s rolling down, know that the explosion will be an avalanche of disappointment, pain, hurt and anger.

There’s no point draining a relationship to its last drop. If you know something is wrong and you can’t fix it, try as you might, then call yourself out. For even if you drag it through the years, the little monster issue still remains unwavering; if anything it would be growing stronger.
Love means absolutely nothing with the wrong foundation.

Recommended songs:
The power of goodbye – Madonna
October – Bethany Joy Lenz
Elephant – Damien Rice

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Utterly Naked.

Yesterday, the most amazing thing happened to me, in the most unusual unamazing way: my heart was broken.

I am letting it all out for one reason and one reason only: as part of my self healing process.

I’ve been waiting for this to happen for quite some time now. As if I’m skating on thin ice. I saw the little crack in the middle of the pond and completely disregarded it. As the crack stretched out to get me, I would just stare at it, waiting for it to collapse and drag me into the icy cold water.

And it did. Nothing felt more revealing than the moment I froze and broke.

I learned two things that night.

On one hand, although I seek to be in a relationship all the time, it’s not to compensate and avoid loneliness. No.
I love relationships and what they bring of duality and compromise. Moreover, I love my partner to be utterly trusting. I’m not some bird in a cage waiting to be fed, some wounded dog waiting to be healed, some wild horse waiting to be tamed. I’m not in a relationship to have this someone carry around my baggage, thank you very much.
I want to be in a relationship to share my days, my frustrations, my excitement, my disappointment, my success, my anger, my serenity… I’m not looking for someone to lock me up in a tower of rules and jealousy. Someone to not give me respect or trust.
How can a relationship work without trust? There’s no way that could happen! What would be your pillars? With the constant doubting and questioning, how can one love actually? How can you say you’re in love with someone, all the while not trusting a word that comes out of there mouth? What is it that you love exactly, since you want to mold and shape them otherwise? How can you propose to someone knowing there’s no trust? You think that owning someone, holding them hostage, would build trust?
You can’t replace that crack in the foundation, can’t mask it, fake it or even pretend to have it. You can’t have anything ever in your life if you don’t learn how to trust people.

On the other hand, I learned that there’s a certain extent to which you can’t drag a mistake. You can’t be oblivious forever. No matter how much you try to avoid what’s missing, it always seems to catch on to you and grasp you by the ankle. When there’s a problem, shaky grounds, you must deal with it instantly because if you can break a snow ball at its peak, then go ahead and do it, it’s less disastrous. But once the snow ball falls down into the valley, getting bigger and bigger as it’s rolling down, know that the explosion will be an avalanche of disappointment, pain, hurt and anger.

There’s no point draining a relationship to its last drop. If you know something is wrong and you can’t fix it, try as you might, then call yourself out. For even if you drag it through the years, the little monster issue still remains unwavering; if anything it would be growing stronger.
Love means absolutely nothing with the wrong foundation.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.