You look at me with kind eyes that stretch into the horizon, and whisper words made from the melody of your heartbeats. You look at me with feelings that flow, pouring flowers from your lips and onto mine. You stay. And I push. And you stay. And I can’t breathe. Because I look at you with the sorrow of the words you’ll never mean. I look at you with blame for all the pain you will impose on my survival. I see you on my sheets, staining them with your scent that will curl up under my spine and unearth my lungs.
I look like a fresh Lilly with dew on my petals, waking up on a Sunday morning, with life sprouting in my veins. I seem like a drowsy drizzle on the edge of your window, pulling you from your soft slumber to come play under the willow tree.
But fundamentally and down to the core, I am a drenched log, expanding from all the humidity that has caused my heart to weigh me down. I am a leap of faith that has seized to comprehend distance and dimensions. I am a sentence of jumbled up words allocating letters to the sounds they don’t belong to.
Love, I trust your eyes, your lashes clutching to them like they’re what make you thrive.
Love, I believe in the air that blows through your ribs, bringing you closer together.
I just don’t trust the time that it took for you to fall, the same time it will take you to put on your coat and walk away.
So smoke the flowers in my head into oblivion, desperately trying to turn memories into stories of pure fantasy. Tell me one more time that my bones grew thorns into your delicate skin. Draw on my back the scars of your heartbreak. Shed tears into my palms so I can turn them into a trophy and place it behind bars on a pedestal of sorts.
Darling, drain it all. Stain the sheets of our wilted petals. Fall apart on the pavement where we first realized it was all breaking into a million pieces.
And then dance.
Dance like the world owes you a lover. Dance like our love owes you empowerment. Move like your soul is made of mesmerizing ondulations.
Is that what you’re looking for?
A voice that resonates into your spine to convince you that you are ok. You are ok. You are ok.
“How’s your day love?” I asked you, with effortless surrender.
“Do you think of me on mornings when your toes are chilly but your heart is weary? When the sun comes up and creeps through your curtains, does it remind you of when we danced on the shores of our sandy words? Do you sometimes pause to wonder about the reasons why your coffee tastes so different? And how I used to make it that way and it just grew sprouts into you”
“How are you love?” I smile at you, with common joy.
“Do you walk down the street of where it hit you, where it all made sense, that we were to be more than we could? And when you put your finger in the hole of your jeans, the one on your inner thigh, do you close your eyes and see us tangled in foggy memories?
“I’m glad you’re well love!” I say, with a weakened shiver.
“I want to tell you about the night I finally dreamed again. I wish I hadn’t. And the beds I’ve been sleeping in. How they feel like home. I want to tell you that they earned my words, but you own my whispers. And how you used to creep into their eyes. And that now, you’re merely wishful thinking.”
“See you soon love.”
I wish I could shed my skin, breed new cells all over again and start a new pattern. How I want to be untouched and untainted. I want to be clean of all of you, like a newborn’s skin, shining under the twinkling lights of the nursery
If only I could shake you out of my entire nerve cells down the ramifications of my spine. Wake up in the morning and smell the coffee and be reminded of everything new, without the cracking flashes of broken memories
Could I build 5 new senses? Exchange all the ones I have now, with all their emotional package and start over. I wonder how it would feel like to listen to my first song again. Would my ears tingle and my spine shiver
How I wish I was somebody new, unaffected by you, someone that wouldn’t remember you at every corner. I hope, from the bottom of my guts, from the fiber of every atom in my body, from all the energy that I still have in me that my scars would fade away; that people won’t just look at me and know that I am bruised and battered and shattered by my past
I pray for you to never feel possessed by somebody else, and if you do, then I pray you hide it well
If you must, fly away, fly away before you take me down with you. If you can’t help but drown with me, then spread your wings and let go, let go and you’ll see, you’ll be able to fly away.
This bubble is so fragile that my breath is bruising it, it’s disfiguring the rainbows and the day and the light. And I’m tired of holding my breath scared that it would burst. Tired of pretending that tomorrow morning, things will be alright again and that you’ll fly back in my arms.
The stars aligned for you, they bowed and cheered for you, they sprinkled silver moon dust on you. The galaxies smiled for you, the turned and colored for you, they sang you a lullaby. And the sky it stares at your picture perfect frame.
I know better than to take you away from that, I know better than to hold you back and hold on to you. I’m not strong enough for this. You can’t see how I’m shaking and my heart is racing hiding from you.
There are so many layers of clothes I wear so that you don’t see the scars on my skin, so that you don’t see my veins bleeding.
Fly, if you must, fly far far away. But don’t let me see you rise; don’t let me see you sore high in the sun; don’t let me see you be happy without me, because knowing I took it away hurts me more than you leaving.
– Do you love me?
– You know that I do.
– But you don’t say it… do you love me?
– That’s because you keep asking me, so I never get a chance to just say it.
– So you don’t love me?
– I never said that.
– Just admit it!
– I love you.
– No you don’t! Admit it!
– But I really do.
– You do?
– I really really do.
– Do you want to know if I love you?
– I do know.
– How do you know?
– I just figured.
– What is that?
– That you love me.
– Well I don’t!
– Why not?
– Because you don’t love me!
– You don’t make sense anymore.
– You just don’t understand me.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Drown into those girl’s eyes; a shadow of someone I used to know. She used to be so confident and fearless, a doer. And now she just waits.
She waits for someone to pick her up and shake her off.
You see this girl once used to roam the streets a queen…now she looks left and right every time she needs to cross them.
At your sight her knees quiver and her heart breaks. She can feel her stomach drop so low it smashes and shatters against the floor.
I do not like this person. She disgusts me.
I still remember this lie from the eye of the careless one. A broken glass of wine that bled on the carpet. She had guts and pride. She had a soul and spine.
I’ll teach this shadow how to be, how to grow. I’ll show her what it means to move on and walk away.
And it shall never be again.