Morning dew

Please don’t be indefinitely broken, little heart of mine. Beat kindly into the night and sing me the lullaby of how you used to be tender. Please pick yourself back up and paint the stars in the sky, save them from being forgotten memories of ancient lifetimes.

You’ve done this before… I’ve witnessed, in awe, your struggle to believe, that love does not come in ones.

That just because they left, it doesn’t mean you failed.

That just because you lost a piece of yourself, it doesn’t mean you will never be whole again.

Dust yourself off, little heart of mine. Don’t be weary over lost fantasies of what could have been. The stars don’t always align for you. But even if they don’t, you have been loved…

you have been loved…

you have been loved.

Patch yourself up, little one. You have been kind, you have been brave. You have been honest. You have loved with depths you weren’t even aware you could tap into. With oceans of longing and crashing waves into your ribcage.

I know you’re exhausted. I can see you crawling into your own mind, convincing yourself that heartaches are for the brave. Repeating over and over, that you are battered, bruised and on the edge of dissipating into thin air. But you deserve more. You are worthy of more. You are destined for more.

Lift your head up, little heart of mine. You’re going to be ok.

Nao – In the morning

Charlotte Cradin – Like it doesn’t hurt

Wild Belle – Our love will survive

Birdy and Rhodes – Let It All Go

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Call me in the afternoon

She said to me, with her fingers stretched out between the infinities that lie between us “I wish you would make love to me the way you do to your demons”. So I curled up my knuckles and let out a breath of utter vulnerability and chaos.

My words jumbled up to form sentences that lacked vocabulary and my mind drew pictures for you to understand. So I painted with my nails, on the soft skin of your back, the story of how I ruined you. And with my lashes I latched on to the tip of your body, gasping for your love. I told you that my heart has seen things that my mind doesn’t want to remember. And then, the echo of my hollow lungs sang you a lullaby of how I wish I could feel what I remember instead of remembering what I felt.

Your eyes were wide shut listening to me use my words for the first time. Your eyes were glowing, knowing that I was finally here, with you, trying. And I kept telling you about songs that mean more to me than people, and how letting go is something I have mastered with finesse. Though that scared you, you stretched out your fingers towards me some more, wanting to cradle me.

You said to me, knowing I am broken “I wish you would make love to me the way you do to your demons.”

I whispered “I trust my demons” and I walked away.

 

Half Moon Run – Full Circle

The Cranberries – Daffodil Lament

Troy Sivan – Fools

Home°

I miss home, I miss home terribly…

I don’t know where the walls are and if they still hold the same red brick roof… I’m not sure if  the cracked urn awaits patiently on the right side of the door, or if the dandelions still peak through the cement on the stairs… I just miss it terribly so…
The chilly mornings with the sound of silence, and the chaotic ruckus of family dinners…

I miss it deeply…

When I could crawl up in bed with my  mother because I needed to feel safe in someone’s arms, without explaining why a hole was piercing my brain…
When my brother got me tea and a grilled cheese sandwich because I got my period for the first time and didn’t understand what that meant…

I’m homesick to the memories that fill these walls. To the innocence that made me cry over my first break up. To the little excited girl who saw the first snow and got to snuggle at home all day.

I wish I could go back…

Possessed.

 I wish I could shed my skin, breed new cells all over again and start a new pattern.  How I want to be untouched and untainted. I want to be clean of all of you, like a newborn’s skin, shining under the twinkling lights of the nursery

If only I could shake you out of my entire nerve cells down the ramifications of my spine. Wake up in the morning and smell the coffee and be reminded of everything new, without the cracking flashes of broken memories

Could I build 5 new senses? Exchange all the ones I have now, with all their emotional package and start over. I wonder how it would feel like to listen to my first song again. Would my ears tingle and my spine shiver

How I wish I was somebody new, unaffected by you, someone that wouldn’t remember you at every corner. I hope, from the bottom of my guts, from the fiber of every atom in my body, from all the energy that I still have in me that my scars would fade away; that people won’t just look at me and know that I am bruised and battered and shattered by my past

I pray for you to never feel possessed by somebody else, and if you do, then I pray you hide it well

Utterly Naked.

Yesterday, the most amazing thing happened to me, in the most unusual unamazing way: my heart was broken.

I am letting it all out for one reason and one reason only: as part of my self healing process.

I’ve been waiting for this to happen for quite some time now. As if I’m skating on thin ice. I saw the little crack in the middle of the pond and completely disregarded it. As the crack stretched out to get me, I would just stare at it, waiting for it to collapse and drag me into the icy cold water.

And it did. Nothing felt more revealing than the moment I froze and broke.

I learned two things that night.

On one hand, although I seek to be in a relationship all the time, it’s not to compensate and avoid loneliness. No.
I love relationships and what they bring of duality and compromise. Moreover, I love my partner to be utterly trusting. I’m not some bird in a cage waiting to be fed, some wounded dog waiting to be healed, some wild horse waiting to be tamed. I’m not in a relationship to have this someone carry around my baggage, thank you very much.
I want to be in a relationship to share my days, my frustrations, my excitement, my disappointment, my success, my anger, my serenity… I’m not looking for someone to lock me up in a tower of rules and jealousy. Someone to not give me respect or trust.
How can a relationship work without trust? There’s no way that could happen! What would be your pillars? With the constant doubting and questioning, how can one love actually? How can you say you’re in love with someone, all the while not trusting a word that comes out of there mouth? What is it that you love exactly, since you want to mold and shape them otherwise? How can you propose to someone knowing there’s no trust? You think that owning someone, holding them hostage, would build trust?
You can’t replace that crack in the foundation, can’t mask it, fake it or even pretend to have it. You can’t have anything ever in your life if you don’t learn how to trust people.

On the other hand, I learned that there’s a certain extent to which you can’t drag a mistake. You can’t be oblivious forever. No matter how much you try to avoid what’s missing, it always seems to catch on to you and grasp you by the ankle. When there’s a problem, shaky grounds, you must deal with it instantly because if you can break a snow ball at its peak, then go ahead and do it, it’s less disastrous. But once the snow ball falls down into the valley, getting bigger and bigger as it’s rolling down, know that the explosion will be an avalanche of disappointment, pain, hurt and anger.

There’s no point draining a relationship to its last drop. If you know something is wrong and you can’t fix it, try as you might, then call yourself out. For even if you drag it through the years, the little monster issue still remains unwavering; if anything it would be growing stronger.
Love means absolutely nothing with the wrong foundation.

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