I’ve been thinking lately about coincidence and signs… How things happen in the most utter absurd way and yet, they turn out to be the very things you needed.
I have to admit, I’ve been going through a rough patch lately. Nothing grand or devastating, but still revealing. Through that period of time, I’ve been dissecting everything I’ve been doing and saying.
To be completely honest, I was so scared of spiraling. I had been holding on for such a long time, thinking that the moment I let go I would be lost in a labyrinth trying to untangle all the feelings that I didn’t want to deal with. So I held on. And on. And on…
Until my fingers became sweaty, and my arms were numb, and my heart grew, oh so very weary.
So I let go. I let go expecting to fall flat on my face.
And I did.
I had never felt such pain in my life. And I don’t say this lightly because I am someone who is very proud of her feelings. Unfortunately, and for the first time, I understood that a heartache is something that could be very physical. It’s as if my heart was pumping too much blood into veins that were restricted with fear. I couldn’t breath, my lungs just collapsed. I remember my friend being there staring at me, feeling so helpless. And I kept yelling, asking him to make it stop. All I could say was “I don’t understand” over and over again until words made no sense at all… I’ve never felt this heavy before… I thought that these sort of ridiculous descriptions were only in books that used too many adjectives… Oh If I could wish anything, I would wish for you to never feel the way that I had felt that night…
So I fell and crashed and broke every single atom in me. But I didn’t spiral because you see, you can’t spiral when you’ve already crashed. And the good news about hitting rock bottom is that the only way is up. It takes a while to lick your wounds and patch up your ego. But you do it; eventually.