Yesterday, the most amazing thing happened to me, in the most unusual unamazing way: my heart was broken.
I am letting it all out for one reason and one reason only: as part of my self healing process.
I’ve been waiting for this to happen for quite some time now. As if I’m skating on thin ice. I saw the little crack in the middle of the pond and completely disregarded it. As the crack stretched out to get me, I would just stare at it, waiting for it to collapse and drag me into the icy cold water.
And it did. Nothing felt more revealing than the moment I froze and broke.
I learned two things that night.
On one hand, although I seek to be in a relationship all the time, it’s not to compensate and avoid loneliness. No.
I love relationships and what they bring of duality and compromise. Moreover, I love my partner to be utterly trusting. I’m not some bird in a cage waiting to be fed, some wounded dog waiting to be healed, some wild horse waiting to be tamed. I’m not in a relationship to have this someone carry around my baggage, thank you very much.
I want to be in a relationship to share my days, my frustrations, my excitement, my disappointment, my success, my anger, my serenity… I’m not looking for someone to lock me up in a tower of rules and jealousy. Someone to not give me respect or trust.
How can a relationship work without trust? There’s no way that could happen! What would be your pillars? With the constant doubting and questioning, how can one love actually? How can you say you’re in love with someone, all the while not trusting a word that comes out of there mouth? What is it that you love exactly, since you want to mold and shape them otherwise? How can you propose to someone knowing there’s no trust? You think that owning someone, holding them hostage, would build trust?
You can’t replace that crack in the foundation, can’t mask it, fake it or even pretend to have it. You can’t have anything ever in your life if you don’t learn how to trust people.
On the other hand, I learned that there’s a certain extent to which you can’t drag a mistake. You can’t be oblivious forever. No matter how much you try to avoid what’s missing, it always seems to catch on to you and grasp you by the ankle. When there’s a problem, shaky grounds, you must deal with it instantly because if you can break a snow ball at its peak, then go ahead and do it, it’s less disastrous. But once the snow ball falls down into the valley, getting bigger and bigger as it’s rolling down, know that the explosion will be an avalanche of disappointment, pain, hurt and anger.
There’s no point draining a relationship to its last drop. If you know something is wrong and you can’t fix it, try as you might, then call yourself out. For even if you drag it through the years, the little monster issue still remains unwavering; if anything it would be growing stronger.
Love means absolutely nothing with the wrong foundation.
The power of goodbye – Madonna
October – Bethany Joy Lenz
Elephant – Damien Rice
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